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Social Harm Stories - You're Ugly

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Social Harm - an event that unfolded at school, on the playground, church choir practice, in class, at camp etc.


I called my story, "The Playground"

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In kindergarten, everything was new, exciting but also a bit scary. My dad or mom had to drive me to school in the car. In Ohio kindergarten, kids had to take naps and even go home earlier than everyone else. It drove me crazy being treated like a little boy. Why come to school and take a nap? However, there was one cool thing about nap time and that was that my mat was next to Karen Cook’s. When the lights were out, she and I would pretend to be napping and look at each other and whisper. A time or two we touched hands. It was a pretty special time, I suppose.

In the blink of an eye, I was in first grade and now. Mrs. Dickson, my first grade teacher was older, sandy, long, blonde hair and a bit of a gruff voice. But her smile was super nice and it was obvious she cared about us kids. I walked with other kids to school for the first few weeks but then decided to ride my bike. I could stay home longer watching morning TV and then get to race off and jump curbs, zip through dirt and grass and skid my tire. It also helped me really wake up. If I pedaled fast and cut through three yards, I could make it to school in seven minutes. The morning race on my bike was a highlight to my days in first grade.

Lunchtime was something I looked forward to. At the beginning of the week, we would get out our five pink lunch tickets and when it was time, I would get them out and carefully tear one off. Standing in line was fun and the gym cafeteria was always loud and hopping with lots of laughter and talking. I would gaze out and see who all was there and especially who was sitting with who. I could feel my heart beat out of my chest when a friend would wave and I would wave back. Just before getting your plastic tray was the milk cooler. Sometimes dad would give me a dime for an extra chocolate milk. That would make me feel pretty special and guys who had extra milks also looked pretty cool.

The most fun of the day usually happened on the playground. Yes, counting the minutes for recess time was like waiting for the start to the Indy 500. During the last ten minutes before recess, I would watch the huge clock and the second hand go round and round. I would pretend I was paying attention to Ms. Dickson and only got caught daydreaming a time or two.

It was a beautiful, fall, cool day in October. We were off to the races out to the playground. As we bolted around the corner of the building, the warm sunshine hit me right in the face and that got me even more fired up. All my classmates made a run to take their places at whatever they had been dreaming about during class. Some went straight to four-square, some to the swings, merry-go-round, teeter-totters, the big metal or the candy striped slide, monkey bars, tag or sat on benches to talk with friends. I wasn’t sure where to go. I didn’t usually have a plan. I always waited to see where everyone else landed.

I stood there on the sidewalk watching and Karen called my name. “Scotty!” She was on one end of a teeter-totter by herself. “Come over here.” I ran with excitement, my name being called out as though I was a winner of a grand prize. She had on a beautiful, yellow sun-dress with ruffles and slightly curvy blond hair, sparkling blue eyes and the most beautiful smile. She was in a different class now, but she had been a special friend to me with all those private talks during kindergarten nap-times. I thought she had forgotten me but clearly not. It was like we hadn’t missed a day apart.

We went up and down. She would push off hard and then not at all. I was gentle and careful not to do anything that would hurt her. We talked and laughed and in a flash she hopped off and said, “Come on, let’s go to the merry-go-round.” And we did. Curtis Hall was huge for his age and spun and spun us. We jumped off and we kept spinning. Then Karen said, “I’m going to chase you!” So run I did. I ran all over. I ran just hard enough to keep the chase close, but a few times she almost caught me. Then she said loudly, “Now, you chase me.” And I did. It was fun and we laughed and laughed while we ran. Then she suddenly stopped running at the end of the big swings. It took a minute to recover our breathing as she pitched her blond hair to and fro. I hung on to one metal leg of the swings and she held the one across from me. Looking right at me with those bright blue eyes, she said in a soft voice, “I want to tell you a secret.” 'Wow', I thought. We stepped gently toward each other. We got closer and closer. This was so exciting. She pulled her hair to one side to get real close to me so she could whisper in my ear. Her golden hair brushed the left side of my face. Then she got even closer and the skin of her soft cheek was against mine and I could hear her breathe in my ear. My heart was pounding. I took it all in and braced myself in this special moment. Then she spoke in a soft, clear whisper, “You’re ugly.” and ran off giggling. I couldn’t move and a moment later the bell rang.
 
I was quiet and confused the rest of the day. I rode my bike home to an empty house. I didn’t feel like going out to play with my friends so I sat on the living room couch and looked out the window watching the squirrels. My parents finally got home from work at the same time and walked in to see me on the couch. “What’s wrong Scotty?” I was silent and then tears welled up as the words came out. “I’m ugly!” Mom came to me and said, “Oh no, you’re not. Who told you this?” “Kids at school.” I said. I stood there crying harder until my dad picked me up and put me on his shoulder. They both told me that it wasn’t true. It felt a little better and I wanted to believe them.


Through  Story Exploration:

Having four kids and living in a cruel world of hurtful words, I have mentioned this story in passing several times here and there. I have also chuckled as though it was no big deal and yet it really was. I couldn't believe me, a grown man, forty years of age, sharing this story in a group of men and women. I have explored a couple, what I thought were 'more' intense harmful stories and I was shocked at how deeply this story actually affected me. As we explored this, some of the lies became clear:
  • I am a fool for thinking I was special
  • The way I look is what keeps me from fitting in
  • Everyone else knew that I was ugly but no one was telling me
  • It is safer to be alone
The Truth: There were other girl relationship through middle school and it always ended in heartache or the girl moving away. By the summer before High School, I decided to go by 'Scott'. I made a conscious decision to leave Scotty behind. One of the key things to this story was that, by definition, a 'secret' is something that many people know. I thought Karen was the messenger for what everyone else wasn't telling me. Without anyone to really talk through it all, the greatest lie of all I came to believe while sitting on the couch was that I would never have a special friend and my desire was foolish.
I brought a picture from first grade to my group. The truth is, I was an amazing, handsome boy full of life. When the rest of the Story Group saw my picture, they all lit up and smiled. It was then I knew the truth. This was a huge step in me going back for Scotty and returning to have fun on the playground with my friends.

INSIGHT: There are 43 muscles that allow your face to function and move. Nothing else in the human body is like this where 32 of those muscles are directly connected to your emotion command center within your brain called the amygdala. A person can/will express dozens of emotions through their face involuntarily every day. The amygdala also works very closely with the hippocampus, which is the fight or flight system that is extremely critical to keep you from danger and has a secondary function of recording memory. In short, emotions are expressed most clearly through our faces. So when physical or verbal harm comes against our face, it is more intensely 'recorded' in our brain.
Lasting shame can come from physical harm to the face like slapping, hitting, spitting or verbal harm such as words from others that shame your face, your ugly, buck teeth, freckly face, big nose, chubby cheeks, elephant ears, pimple xyz etc. Growing beards, makeup, looking down or away are often ways to hide shame from stories like the one here. This is also why the opposite is true. When a person says, you have a great smile, beautiful eyes, I love your laugh, you're handsome etc, it has a far bigger impact than if someone commented on your shoes.

Social Harm Stories

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Story Type: Social Harm - an event that unfolded at school, on the playground, church choir practice, in class, at camp that impacted the direction of your life etc.


The General - basketball dreams gone in the shower
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"I didn’t even know if I would ever make the Varsity team and now I’m on a trip with just me and Coach to go meet with the legendary coach of Indiana University, Bobby Knight, ‘The General’. ... I was one of the first to hit the showers. Roy Ellis, a Junior Guard on the Varsity team was already in there and finishing up. There were four shower heads on one wall in a rectangular big room. I turned on the....HERE


Cascade Farewell - last day of Middle School
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"I had watched the weather forecast and talked to everyone I could think of that lived on my side of the spread out, Indiana farming community.  There were a handful of friends that lived in the small town of Clayton.  I knew that if I could get them all to buy in to the idea we would have a great crowd with others that would meet us from outside of town. It was all about including everyone....HERE


The Playground - a boy's first grade love gone
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"Why come to school and take a nap? However, there was one cool thing about nap time and that was that my mat was next to Karen Cook’s. When the lights were out, she and I would pretend to be napping and look at each other and whisper. A time or two we touched hands. It was a pretty special time, I suppose....HERE


Summer Fun at the Pool - big nose
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"I was strong. I wanted to be noticed by girls. I liked girls. I couldn’t see it from a straight on view in the mirror, but my nose was growing. I began to hear comments like “You have a big nose.”  The men in my family had big hooked noses. The remarks got more creative. If I stated a strong opinion amongst my 7th grade friends, the comments changed to something like, “Oh.. ok, the Nose knows.” Well that hurt and I couldn’t figure out what to do with the feelings. So, I just took it as my friends having fun. ....HERE

Every person has 6-8 key stories that have shaped the trajectory of their life. ​

Sex Stories

Sex Stories
Story Type: Sexuality - events that shaped your sexual identity and understanding or your sense of what it means to be a man or a woman.

Family Harm and Neglect

Family Neglect
Story Type: Family - a family trip, night around the dinner table... a story that exemplifies how you fit into your family and the role you played.

Traumatic Events

Trauma
Story Type: Traumatic Event - loss of a loved one, first love, betrayal of a friend, physical or emotional harm.

StoryFinder Assessment

StoryFinder
Every person has 6-8 key stories that have shaped the trajectory of their life. The 4 common types are Sexual Harm, Social Harm, Personal Trauma and Family Abuse and Neglect These stories are shared with permission.

Sexuality Stories

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Story Type: Sexuality - events that shaped your sexual identity and understanding or your sense of what it means to be a man or a woman. This type of story will impact future relationships with men, women, family and marriage.


Treehouse Treasure Trove - a boys encounter with pornography
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"It was dim inside and as my eyes adjusted I was amazed to discover on the floor, stacks and stacks of porn magazines. Probably, several hundred magazines in all.  It was like a lightening bolt in my brain and my excitement shot up. I had found the gold mine! I started looking thru the stacks of magazines and grabbed a few.  It didn't take long to realize these were not the normal Playboys and Penthouses we were used to finding...HERE


Trip to the Treehouse - a girls confusion of sexuality
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"My cousin Sam was 4 years older and Scotty was 10 months older. They were always busy playing. I tried really hard to fit in to what they were doing.  I was not always interested in playing war, Matchbox cars and exploring the field but I did everything I could to be accepted. One day while we were playing up in the tree-house...HERE


Beauty and Basketball - slowest on the team
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"She said, "Janie, you are a good solid player and I believe that you would like to play varsity next year. Is that true?" "Yes, it is. I would very much like to." "Well," she continued, "there are a few things I would like to see you improve. You need to improve on your speed. If you lost weight you could be quicker on the court."...HERE


Jump - crushing of a high school romance
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"Julie was a cheerleader and a model. When she said yes to ‘going together’, I hit it big. We quickly became enamored with each other, passing notes every day, trading lockers to get closer to each other and kissing after school. While her parents were home, we'd sneak kisses while watching TV. She really enjoyed teasing me with ‘Young and the Restless’ style passion and then walking away suddenly leaving me with an endless desire for more....HERE


Personal Trauma

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Story Type: Personal Trauma - loss of a loved one, first love, betrayal of a friend, physical or emotional harm.


Strawberry Plains - death of a mother
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"February 14th, 1976, I was up at 6AM and had all my valentine cards ready to go. I was showered, dressed and ready way ahead of schedule. Mom had not come home in the night, but that wasn’t that unusual. The phone rang and I answered. It was Pete. I knew Pete because he had been in law enforcement with my stepfather, Elmer. His voice sounded grave and flat and he said, “Cindy, I don’t want you to go to school today....HERE


Canned Spinach - abuse and eating
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"My stepmother, Carol, weighed about a hundred and twenty pounds and was five foot nine inches. The woman was crazy when it came to food. Whatever she put it in front of you, you ate it. I would sit at times for two hours staring at a bowl of cold, mushy, canned spinach, until finally, exhausted, I would gag and gag it down....HERE


Batter Up - baseball shame
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"A sense of dread filled my stomach. Being a smaller than average kid and very awkward athletically, I knew I would be one of the last kids chosen, as usual, by the designated team captains. I did not having any experience playing little league baseball, or any sport, like many of the other boys. I figured I could strike out quickly and go to the end of the line and be back to...HERE


Bicycle 911 - the lost dream of a stunt man
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"I’m OFF! Off to seek out a great adventure with a boy I didn’t really care to be around, but it was better than staying at home alone. I zoomed in and out of winding road corners and down roads as fast as I could. One corner in particular had a dip at the intersection that was fun to whip in and out of....HERE


Social Harm

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Story Type: Social Harm - an event that unfolded at school, on the playground, church choir practice, in class, at camp etc.


The General - basketball dreams, pissed away
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"When we walked in, his office was huge. A mahogany desk at one end, a den like sitting area with 3 full leather couches and a big coffee table where we were sitting and then closer to the door, a ten-foot conference room table with chairs and a white dry eraser board with red trim, just as long long on the wall. “Sit down.” He said as he pointed to the leather couch....HERE


Cascade Farewell - last day of Middle School
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"I had watched the weather forecast and talked to everyone I could think of that lived on my side of the spread out, Indiana farming community.  There were a handful of friends that lived in the small town of Clayton.  I knew that if I could get them all to buy in to the idea we would have a great crowd with others that would meet us from outside of town. It was all about including everyone....HERE


The Playground - first grade love lost
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"Why come to school and take a nap? However, there was one cool thing about nap time and that was that my mat was next to Karen Cook’s. When the lights were out, she and I would pretend to be napping and look at each other and whisper. A time or two we touched hands. It was a pretty special time, I suppose....HERE


Summer Fun at the Pool - Big nose
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"I was strong. I wanted to be noticed by girls. I liked girls. I couldn’t see it from a straight on view in the mirror, but my nose was growing. I began to hear comments like “You have a big nose.”  The men in my family had big hooked noses. The remarks got more creative. If I stated a strong opinion amongst my 7th grade friends, the comments changed to something like, “Oh.. ok, the Nose knows.” Well that hurt and I couldn’t figure out what to do with the feelings. So, I just took it as my friends having fun. ....HERE


Family of Origin

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Story Type: Family of Origin - a family trip, night around the dinner table... a story that exemplifies how you fit into your family and the role you played.


The Fan - a young girl stuck in the middle
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"My parents were fighting over who would take us. I wondered for a brief moment where he thought he would take us. This was not the first time they had fought like this. I just sat there. Numb. Completely numb to the fighting. I had been here before. My sister rested her head on my shoulder. She was so young and tired. I felt sorry for her, “No 7-year-old should have to get out of bed like this on a school night.” I thought. At least I was 3 years older. I looked across the room. The box fan sat in front of the window.....HERE


Devil Went Down to Georgia - coming home from vacation
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"The song, “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” came on. This song was so much fun! It’s so fast paced and has so much attitude. My brothers and I were enjoying singing it and I, for sure, was trying to keep up the tongue twisting pace. “The devil went down to Georgia. He was looking for a soul to steal…devil’s in the house of the rising sun…I done told you once you son of bitch I’m the best....HERE


Thanksgiving Secret - lost in family chaos, boobs, fans and fireworks
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"At 15, she knew more than I did. At least she seemed to think so. I was smarter than her and I knew it, but I kept my mouth shut. We weren’t arguing test scores. After a few minutes, she closed her bedroom door and said, “Hey, I wanna tell you about my boyfriend.” Her whispering told me that Aunt Edna didn't know something about him or didn't know about him at all. I said, “Sure” and watched her intently. ....HERE


Special Features


In an Instant - a near death text message
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"I looked up and it was too late. All in a flash, my right front wheel went over the edge of the road. It was one of my worst fears since we moved out to the country. A blink later, the underside of my van was skidding on the rocky edge of the road, down-hill at fifty miles an hour. I had no control as a few wet trees, from the falling rain, ripped down the right side of my van. As both hands gripped tight to....HERE


Mr Browns Heart - alone, collapsing in the road
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"I didn't think it was time. At 44, in the middle of the road, with my vision starting to blur, before collapsing, I decided to lay down and hope for someone to find me. I thought, "I could lay on the side of the road and no one possibly find me soon enough, but if I laid in the middle of the road, they may run over me as they come over the crest of the hill." I decided to lay on the edge. Then, as I struggled to breathe, I gazed to my right and there it was.....HERE

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a Registered 501(c)(3) Non-Profit Organization © 2020
  • Home
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