Chapter Nine - South Corner
John and Ryan gathered rocking chairs to bring to the south corner nook of the lodge deck. Mary, Rob, and Karen arrived and all sat down.
“A rocking chair. I love rocking chairs,” Karen said as she rocked back and forth.
“What a beautiful day,” John declared.
The group sat there pensive, feeling the time slipping away as they hung on to the challenge of staying present.
“Well, here we are back together again. Let’s start off with doing a check in on where you are as we head into our time together. John, let’s start with you.”
“I’m having a great day so far. Breakfast and private time like that is something I never do. I’m at the plant at 5am every day including Saturdays. Being with you all and being forced to take time for me was life-changing. I didn’t even check my phone to see who won the game yesterday. Nobody tell me if you know. I’m recording it,” he said with a smile.
Karen went next, “I don’t know what it is about this place, but I don’t think I’ve ever slept that well my whole life. And nobody gave me a hard time or got stressed out for me sleeping in. I don’t know. I don’t know what any of this means for me, but I am hopeful that my life’s going to change. I’m not sure how, but it won’t be the same. It has already. I feel different.”
Almost under his breath, Ryan said, “Karen, you even look different,” and everyone agreed.
“I do?” They all nodded. “Well, I’ll be darned,” she responded with a surprised look on her face.
Ryan began, “I had a great time with Brock yesterday. We hung out at the sawmill and talked about a lot of things and laughed a lot. He’s a funny guy. I know I’m young and everything, but the fact is, I don’t hang out with men much. Growing up with my mom and grandma, being around men has not been normal for me. Part of me coming to the co-ed retreat was the comfort of knowing there would be women here, too. Men have always given me a little more anxiety. I have learned so much. And, I just love this group. This whole experience. I’m still shocked about what Mary said yesterday about me being a dad someday. That was good to hear. I thought about that in my bed last night before I fell asleep. I’m looking forward to this today.”
Everyone smiled and thanked Ryan. They all felt a deep, sacred honor of witnessing this young man growing up this weekend.
“Ok, I’m not feeling that great,” Mary admitted. “I feel like there’s a lot of pressure to figure all this out before I go home. There was some really good stuff from yesterday, but I need answers. A direction. I know I need to be patient, but it’s just hard. I’ve got to tell ya, I even told someone while chit-chatting Friday night that I had a pretty good childhood. Ha! I really believed that. I suppose I had to believe that just to survive. Oh, well. Now what? This has been eye opening, and I know it’s not all going to get fixed by 3 o’clock, but you said it’s about progress. Well, I’m making progress alright. I just don’t know what direction.”
“Thank you, Mary. Speaking of progress,” Rob said with a smile, “it’s time for us to get started, and we’ll go in the same order as yesterday, so we will start with you Mary.”
“A rocking chair. I love rocking chairs,” Karen said as she rocked back and forth.
“What a beautiful day,” John declared.
The group sat there pensive, feeling the time slipping away as they hung on to the challenge of staying present.
“Well, here we are back together again. Let’s start off with doing a check in on where you are as we head into our time together. John, let’s start with you.”
“I’m having a great day so far. Breakfast and private time like that is something I never do. I’m at the plant at 5am every day including Saturdays. Being with you all and being forced to take time for me was life-changing. I didn’t even check my phone to see who won the game yesterday. Nobody tell me if you know. I’m recording it,” he said with a smile.
Karen went next, “I don’t know what it is about this place, but I don’t think I’ve ever slept that well my whole life. And nobody gave me a hard time or got stressed out for me sleeping in. I don’t know. I don’t know what any of this means for me, but I am hopeful that my life’s going to change. I’m not sure how, but it won’t be the same. It has already. I feel different.”
Almost under his breath, Ryan said, “Karen, you even look different,” and everyone agreed.
“I do?” They all nodded. “Well, I’ll be darned,” she responded with a surprised look on her face.
Ryan began, “I had a great time with Brock yesterday. We hung out at the sawmill and talked about a lot of things and laughed a lot. He’s a funny guy. I know I’m young and everything, but the fact is, I don’t hang out with men much. Growing up with my mom and grandma, being around men has not been normal for me. Part of me coming to the co-ed retreat was the comfort of knowing there would be women here, too. Men have always given me a little more anxiety. I have learned so much. And, I just love this group. This whole experience. I’m still shocked about what Mary said yesterday about me being a dad someday. That was good to hear. I thought about that in my bed last night before I fell asleep. I’m looking forward to this today.”
Everyone smiled and thanked Ryan. They all felt a deep, sacred honor of witnessing this young man growing up this weekend.
“Ok, I’m not feeling that great,” Mary admitted. “I feel like there’s a lot of pressure to figure all this out before I go home. There was some really good stuff from yesterday, but I need answers. A direction. I know I need to be patient, but it’s just hard. I’ve got to tell ya, I even told someone while chit-chatting Friday night that I had a pretty good childhood. Ha! I really believed that. I suppose I had to believe that just to survive. Oh, well. Now what? This has been eye opening, and I know it’s not all going to get fixed by 3 o’clock, but you said it’s about progress. Well, I’m making progress alright. I just don’t know what direction.”
“Thank you, Mary. Speaking of progress,” Rob said with a smile, “it’s time for us to get started, and we’ll go in the same order as yesterday, so we will start with you Mary.”
Mary - Take 2
“Ok, here goes. The first question I addressed was about themes in my story. These are themes I came up with: danger, alone, afraid, and unnoticed.”
Rob probed, “Anyone have anything to add for Mary?”
“Well, curiosity, smart, desire, attention to detail,” John proposed.
Ryan said, “A sense of right and wrong. Listener.”
With a hint of a smile, Karen added, “Adventurer. You seemed to naturally go from place to place looking around for adventure. You even perked up on doing the robot talk into the fan with your cousin. I got the sense from you and your story that you saw everything as a possible adventure to be had. Everyone else’s adventure was destructive.”
Mary wrote down all these other themes she hadn’t seen at all but admitted, “I just thought we were supposed to write down the negative things.” Everyone knew she was so critical of herself, she had a hard time seeing or believing the positive ones. But she scrambled to write them down and even read them off to make sure she didn’t miss anything. She thought, “I’ll have to study all that later.”
“What’s next?” Rob asked.
“Well, what did I lose in this story? I lost being a twelve-year-old girl. Everywhere I turned was a dangerous or nasty adult world. Often, my dad was drinking. My mom was always watching him just to cover up him being drunk. She would pick up after him and make excuses when he would offend somebody. No one was looking out for me.”
Looking around the group, Rob invited, “Anyone else?”
“It must have been tough not knowing much about sex. You were probably caught in a lot of situations that were embarrassing,” Karen mentioned sympathetically.
Mary raised her voice, “You can say that again! Especially at school!”
There was other sharing and reflecting on the family drinking, sexuality, lack of close friends, and not fitting in.
Then it was quiet while Rob pondered a moment, “Well, Mary, I know we talked about Bonnie’s room yesterday and sex and so on, and that is important. But after thinking more about it, it seems there is something else lingering in this story.” Mary gazed at Rob, waiting. “The dialog. You never said a word or were asked anything about yourself. I feel like the biggest thing that was stolen from you was your voice. No one was even interested in you. And I mean you.”
Mary sat frozen as tears welled up.
As the tears began to run, she got passionate, “Yeah, I don’t know why no one seemed to notice me. They were all too busy, I guess. That’s why it’s so damn uncomfortable for me to sit here right now. This whole weekend people have actually asked me questions, and on top of that, listened to me answer. It’s been unnerving. Like in this group. You all are looking at me and listening to me. It’s all I can do to get through it.”
John was shocked to hear Mary say “damn,” and Ryan thought it was awesome and grinned.
Karen said, “Girl, you have more to offer than what you think. What you said yesterday to Ryan about having kids, I was thinking it but never would have said it. You did!”
Being vulnerable himself, Ryan admitted, “And I gotta say, when you said that to me yesterday, it changed me. Like ripping a log-jam out of my life.”
She knew what they were saying was true but couldn’t make sense of it.
John said, “Mary.” She looked over to him. “Your words have power,” he said and then paused. She froze again. “I’ve noticed all weekend that you’ve been quiet, and that’s not really a surprise to understand now, but it’s also been clear to me that when you do speak, it has significance. It’s not like me when I get to rambling about things that really don’t matter. Yeah, it’s true. Your words have power.”
Everyone chimed in their agreement.
Mary sunk down in her seat and stopped breathing for a few seconds. “Well, that’s interesting. I will have to think about that one.” She sat there in a daze of shock, thinking, “These are the most honest people I’ve ever met. This must be true. Oh, my.”
Rob stepped in, “Mary, as we come to a close, you said at the beginning you wanted direction and answers. Where are you now?”
Mary pondered and then spoke, “Frankly, I was not expecting this. Finding my voice. That is so scary, but at least now I know the real reason I am stuck in my life. And stuck in most every part of it because not having a voice affects everything.”
Rob acknowledged, “Often when a person doesn’t believe they have a voice, it’s because they’ve come to believe they are of less value than others.”
Mary stopped breathing as though she’d been caught.
Rob continued, “So they keep quiet, and it slowly builds up bitterness. It can get bad enough that a person begins to not even like themselves.”
Mary thought, “Oh my, that’s me.”
Rob finished, “Mary, you were given a voice that must be brought into this world, and as John said, it is a powerful one.”
Mary’s face put off a glow as she sat there. Then they all sat back in their rocking chairs as though they had crossed a finish line.
Rob exclaimed, “Alright, let’s hear it for Mary!” and they all clapped. Mary smiled.
After a brief silence, Rob spoke, “Who’s next?”
“That’s me,” John said.
“Great. Let’s do it.”
Rob probed, “Anyone have anything to add for Mary?”
“Well, curiosity, smart, desire, attention to detail,” John proposed.
Ryan said, “A sense of right and wrong. Listener.”
With a hint of a smile, Karen added, “Adventurer. You seemed to naturally go from place to place looking around for adventure. You even perked up on doing the robot talk into the fan with your cousin. I got the sense from you and your story that you saw everything as a possible adventure to be had. Everyone else’s adventure was destructive.”
Mary wrote down all these other themes she hadn’t seen at all but admitted, “I just thought we were supposed to write down the negative things.” Everyone knew she was so critical of herself, she had a hard time seeing or believing the positive ones. But she scrambled to write them down and even read them off to make sure she didn’t miss anything. She thought, “I’ll have to study all that later.”
“What’s next?” Rob asked.
“Well, what did I lose in this story? I lost being a twelve-year-old girl. Everywhere I turned was a dangerous or nasty adult world. Often, my dad was drinking. My mom was always watching him just to cover up him being drunk. She would pick up after him and make excuses when he would offend somebody. No one was looking out for me.”
Looking around the group, Rob invited, “Anyone else?”
“It must have been tough not knowing much about sex. You were probably caught in a lot of situations that were embarrassing,” Karen mentioned sympathetically.
Mary raised her voice, “You can say that again! Especially at school!”
There was other sharing and reflecting on the family drinking, sexuality, lack of close friends, and not fitting in.
Then it was quiet while Rob pondered a moment, “Well, Mary, I know we talked about Bonnie’s room yesterday and sex and so on, and that is important. But after thinking more about it, it seems there is something else lingering in this story.” Mary gazed at Rob, waiting. “The dialog. You never said a word or were asked anything about yourself. I feel like the biggest thing that was stolen from you was your voice. No one was even interested in you. And I mean you.”
Mary sat frozen as tears welled up.
As the tears began to run, she got passionate, “Yeah, I don’t know why no one seemed to notice me. They were all too busy, I guess. That’s why it’s so damn uncomfortable for me to sit here right now. This whole weekend people have actually asked me questions, and on top of that, listened to me answer. It’s been unnerving. Like in this group. You all are looking at me and listening to me. It’s all I can do to get through it.”
John was shocked to hear Mary say “damn,” and Ryan thought it was awesome and grinned.
Karen said, “Girl, you have more to offer than what you think. What you said yesterday to Ryan about having kids, I was thinking it but never would have said it. You did!”
Being vulnerable himself, Ryan admitted, “And I gotta say, when you said that to me yesterday, it changed me. Like ripping a log-jam out of my life.”
She knew what they were saying was true but couldn’t make sense of it.
John said, “Mary.” She looked over to him. “Your words have power,” he said and then paused. She froze again. “I’ve noticed all weekend that you’ve been quiet, and that’s not really a surprise to understand now, but it’s also been clear to me that when you do speak, it has significance. It’s not like me when I get to rambling about things that really don’t matter. Yeah, it’s true. Your words have power.”
Everyone chimed in their agreement.
Mary sunk down in her seat and stopped breathing for a few seconds. “Well, that’s interesting. I will have to think about that one.” She sat there in a daze of shock, thinking, “These are the most honest people I’ve ever met. This must be true. Oh, my.”
Rob stepped in, “Mary, as we come to a close, you said at the beginning you wanted direction and answers. Where are you now?”
Mary pondered and then spoke, “Frankly, I was not expecting this. Finding my voice. That is so scary, but at least now I know the real reason I am stuck in my life. And stuck in most every part of it because not having a voice affects everything.”
Rob acknowledged, “Often when a person doesn’t believe they have a voice, it’s because they’ve come to believe they are of less value than others.”
Mary stopped breathing as though she’d been caught.
Rob continued, “So they keep quiet, and it slowly builds up bitterness. It can get bad enough that a person begins to not even like themselves.”
Mary thought, “Oh my, that’s me.”
Rob finished, “Mary, you were given a voice that must be brought into this world, and as John said, it is a powerful one.”
Mary’s face put off a glow as she sat there. Then they all sat back in their rocking chairs as though they had crossed a finish line.
Rob exclaimed, “Alright, let’s hear it for Mary!” and they all clapped. Mary smiled.
After a brief silence, Rob spoke, “Who’s next?”
“That’s me,” John said.
“Great. Let’s do it.”
John - Take 2
“So, here we go. Themes in my story are fear, anger, being trapped, and perfectionism,” John shared.
“Anyone else?” Rob inquired.
Ryan quickly spoke up, “Yeah, confidence. At ten, you were the first to stand up to say the pledge. That’s pretty cool.”
“Writer. Your story was very well-written. Survivor, perseverance, overcomer. Look at what you are doing now. This would have ruined a lot of people’s lives. It’s amazing,” Mary said with assurance.
With a gentle smile Karen voiced, “Courage. You said you’re afraid to speak in front of people. You’ve had no problem here with us. You seemed like a guy who had it all together, and at first I even wondered why you were here. Your courage and fighting for your life has taught me a lot. A lot about myself. Thanks, John Glass.” As Karen finished with a smile, John grinned back and put his head down.
The group discussed parenting, speaking in public, his brother, then John said, “As I thought about this story and my time at Oak Park, I began to realize that it did end up forcing me to have really good study habits and be more responsible. I pay attention to details that most people don’t notice. The problem has been the fear that follows me like a dark cloud. As I thought about it, the more successful our company has become, the worse I’ve gotten. Like if I make a mistake, it will be catastrophic. Getting awards has even made me sick to my stomach. We’re just making steel not doing brain surgery,” he said as he shook his head.
Ryan suggested, “So in some ways, it’s kinda like you are still at school.”
John got quiet, sat back, and turned his head toward the field. “I suppose I am still at school.”
With John having the gaze of a traveler stuck at a train station, Karen said, “Maybe it’s time to leave.”
In a bit of a fog, John replied, “Yeah, maybe it is.”
Rob spoke up, “John, you have really gotten to an exciting but scary place today. Your challenge has become what does it mean to leave the school? Do you graduate? Do you just walk out? In many ways, that ten-year-old is still there waiting for someone to come and pick him up.” John sat back listening. “There is only one person who would understand. Only one person who would know just what to say. No one else can go back and get him. I can’t. We can’t. Your parents can’t. You’re the only one. You have to. The good news is that you are in charge now, and you know best what he needs. I know for sure, just sitting next to him a while would be a great start.”
John sat there in his chair, a thousand miles away imagining standing in his old classroom doorway. He could see the boy sitting at his desk. Waiting. He glanced in his mind’s eye at the the empty desk next to him.
Then everyone said, “Thanks, John.”
Mary took a drink of her sweet tea, and Ryan picked up his bottled water. “Well, Karen. I think you’re up next,” Rob said.
“Anyone else?” Rob inquired.
Ryan quickly spoke up, “Yeah, confidence. At ten, you were the first to stand up to say the pledge. That’s pretty cool.”
“Writer. Your story was very well-written. Survivor, perseverance, overcomer. Look at what you are doing now. This would have ruined a lot of people’s lives. It’s amazing,” Mary said with assurance.
With a gentle smile Karen voiced, “Courage. You said you’re afraid to speak in front of people. You’ve had no problem here with us. You seemed like a guy who had it all together, and at first I even wondered why you were here. Your courage and fighting for your life has taught me a lot. A lot about myself. Thanks, John Glass.” As Karen finished with a smile, John grinned back and put his head down.
The group discussed parenting, speaking in public, his brother, then John said, “As I thought about this story and my time at Oak Park, I began to realize that it did end up forcing me to have really good study habits and be more responsible. I pay attention to details that most people don’t notice. The problem has been the fear that follows me like a dark cloud. As I thought about it, the more successful our company has become, the worse I’ve gotten. Like if I make a mistake, it will be catastrophic. Getting awards has even made me sick to my stomach. We’re just making steel not doing brain surgery,” he said as he shook his head.
Ryan suggested, “So in some ways, it’s kinda like you are still at school.”
John got quiet, sat back, and turned his head toward the field. “I suppose I am still at school.”
With John having the gaze of a traveler stuck at a train station, Karen said, “Maybe it’s time to leave.”
In a bit of a fog, John replied, “Yeah, maybe it is.”
Rob spoke up, “John, you have really gotten to an exciting but scary place today. Your challenge has become what does it mean to leave the school? Do you graduate? Do you just walk out? In many ways, that ten-year-old is still there waiting for someone to come and pick him up.” John sat back listening. “There is only one person who would understand. Only one person who would know just what to say. No one else can go back and get him. I can’t. We can’t. Your parents can’t. You’re the only one. You have to. The good news is that you are in charge now, and you know best what he needs. I know for sure, just sitting next to him a while would be a great start.”
John sat there in his chair, a thousand miles away imagining standing in his old classroom doorway. He could see the boy sitting at his desk. Waiting. He glanced in his mind’s eye at the the empty desk next to him.
Then everyone said, “Thanks, John.”
Mary took a drink of her sweet tea, and Ryan picked up his bottled water. “Well, Karen. I think you’re up next,” Rob said.
Karen – Take 2
“Well, I’ve got to say first thing, that I’m not sure I did this right.”
With her book on her lap, everyone could see her book was almost solid blue ink from writing so much. John sat up, ready for Karen’s report, and Mary put her tea back down under her chair.
“First, I only wrote a few themes, but I also wrote out what they meant to me. I loved talking about my Mimi, but you said to go back and review your actual story. The one thing that stood out was my desire to be wanted. So, unwanted was a theme. Everyone’s lives were so messed up that there really wasn’t room for me and Tammy. I just wanted someone to want me. I can see how that also got me into so much trouble with men later on. I just did anything I could to get someone to want me. I was an ‘A’ student, a hard worker, a good listener. Here I’m ten, my mom dies, and I immediately start cooking, cleaning, and taking care of grown adults. Still no one wanted me.”
Ryan didn’t seem to catch that in her story. He was focused on the crisis of her mom’s death, and John figured the silver bullet solution to it all was Mimi. Mary was daydreaming of the comfort of the cows in Karen’s story.
Karen continued, “Homeless. I really didn’t have a home like other people. I just got shuffled around. When we moved in with mom in Strawberry Plains, that was my dream come true. I finally had a home. The truth is, Todd and I have lived in the same house for twenty-five years, and something will happen with his job, and I immediately get afraid of losing our home or having to move. Todd’s had several big job offers out of town over the years, but I just couldn’t move. The thought of it gave me severe anxiety. Now I know why.”
Karen went on to other subjects, and they explored more about her dad, the funeral, and how she had to change schools again a week after her mom died.
Then Rob softly motioned, “Karen, I am so sorry to interrupt. You are doing great, but I’d like to go way back to the ‘unwanted’ theme for a second.”
Mary chimed in, “Yeah. Good.”
Rob began, “You are definitely right about being wanted and valued, but I think there is a twist that is important for you to explore. It makes sense for any of us to feel wanted, but there is also something else that is a deep longing we carry. And that is the desire ‘to be seen.’ For someone to really ‘see’ you, to know you.” Karen raised her eyebrows and put her head down. “But the catch is this; at the same time, one of our worst fears is also to be seen, so we try and hide. So in your story, in one single day, you went from being seen as the smart, new girl at school to the girl whose mom died. In one single Valentine’s day, proud to be seen but too ashamed to be seen. You just wanted someone to see ‘you,’ just you.”
Karen began tapping her toes on the deck.
Quietly, Rob said, “Karen.”
“What?” she said with her head still down.
“Will you look up at me?” Rob asked. She paused, then slowly looked up at him. “We see you now. I see you. And you are amazing. Absolutely, amazing.” With wide, open eyes, she stared at him. Rob could sense the others shaking their heads in agreement. “Now Karen, I know you can do this, but I’d like you to look at everyone in our group.”
She said, “Ughh. You’re killing me.” They all gazed at Karen with amazement as she slowly looked at Ryan, then Mary, and finally John. Then she sat far back in her chair and rocked.
Everyone sat back and was quiet for a moment while Karen rocked. Finally, after reflecting some, she spoke, “Well, thanks everyone. This is hard stuff. I do, and I don’t want to be seen all at the same time. That’s a tough spot, but it’s where I live. And then, I have all kinds of ways I hide. I act tough, keep my nose in books, stay busy at church, and work until I can barely move. If I sit still long enough, maybe someone will have a chance to notice me. Imagine that.”
Everyone could almost see rays of hope, bright above Karen.
She added, “I’ve got to say, last night around the fire, I thought a lot about my Mimi. I was in complete shock as to how my life and even I am so much like her. I have my own garden and even greenhouse, grandkids live with us, and I even love power tools! Isn’t that wild.” Everyone chuckled.
They all said, “Thanks, Karen.”
With her book on her lap, everyone could see her book was almost solid blue ink from writing so much. John sat up, ready for Karen’s report, and Mary put her tea back down under her chair.
“First, I only wrote a few themes, but I also wrote out what they meant to me. I loved talking about my Mimi, but you said to go back and review your actual story. The one thing that stood out was my desire to be wanted. So, unwanted was a theme. Everyone’s lives were so messed up that there really wasn’t room for me and Tammy. I just wanted someone to want me. I can see how that also got me into so much trouble with men later on. I just did anything I could to get someone to want me. I was an ‘A’ student, a hard worker, a good listener. Here I’m ten, my mom dies, and I immediately start cooking, cleaning, and taking care of grown adults. Still no one wanted me.”
Ryan didn’t seem to catch that in her story. He was focused on the crisis of her mom’s death, and John figured the silver bullet solution to it all was Mimi. Mary was daydreaming of the comfort of the cows in Karen’s story.
Karen continued, “Homeless. I really didn’t have a home like other people. I just got shuffled around. When we moved in with mom in Strawberry Plains, that was my dream come true. I finally had a home. The truth is, Todd and I have lived in the same house for twenty-five years, and something will happen with his job, and I immediately get afraid of losing our home or having to move. Todd’s had several big job offers out of town over the years, but I just couldn’t move. The thought of it gave me severe anxiety. Now I know why.”
Karen went on to other subjects, and they explored more about her dad, the funeral, and how she had to change schools again a week after her mom died.
Then Rob softly motioned, “Karen, I am so sorry to interrupt. You are doing great, but I’d like to go way back to the ‘unwanted’ theme for a second.”
Mary chimed in, “Yeah. Good.”
Rob began, “You are definitely right about being wanted and valued, but I think there is a twist that is important for you to explore. It makes sense for any of us to feel wanted, but there is also something else that is a deep longing we carry. And that is the desire ‘to be seen.’ For someone to really ‘see’ you, to know you.” Karen raised her eyebrows and put her head down. “But the catch is this; at the same time, one of our worst fears is also to be seen, so we try and hide. So in your story, in one single day, you went from being seen as the smart, new girl at school to the girl whose mom died. In one single Valentine’s day, proud to be seen but too ashamed to be seen. You just wanted someone to see ‘you,’ just you.”
Karen began tapping her toes on the deck.
Quietly, Rob said, “Karen.”
“What?” she said with her head still down.
“Will you look up at me?” Rob asked. She paused, then slowly looked up at him. “We see you now. I see you. And you are amazing. Absolutely, amazing.” With wide, open eyes, she stared at him. Rob could sense the others shaking their heads in agreement. “Now Karen, I know you can do this, but I’d like you to look at everyone in our group.”
She said, “Ughh. You’re killing me.” They all gazed at Karen with amazement as she slowly looked at Ryan, then Mary, and finally John. Then she sat far back in her chair and rocked.
Everyone sat back and was quiet for a moment while Karen rocked. Finally, after reflecting some, she spoke, “Well, thanks everyone. This is hard stuff. I do, and I don’t want to be seen all at the same time. That’s a tough spot, but it’s where I live. And then, I have all kinds of ways I hide. I act tough, keep my nose in books, stay busy at church, and work until I can barely move. If I sit still long enough, maybe someone will have a chance to notice me. Imagine that.”
Everyone could almost see rays of hope, bright above Karen.
She added, “I’ve got to say, last night around the fire, I thought a lot about my Mimi. I was in complete shock as to how my life and even I am so much like her. I have my own garden and even greenhouse, grandkids live with us, and I even love power tools! Isn’t that wild.” Everyone chuckled.
They all said, “Thanks, Karen.”
Ryan – Take 2
“Well, here we are, Ryan. Three survivors, and you are up next,” John said.
“Ryan, you ready?” Rob chimed in.
Ryan responded, “Let’s do it.”
Again, Ryan leaned forward in his seat and pulled out his folded-up booklet from his back pocket and put his elbows on his knees.
Just as Ryan began to speak, John was distracted with something over the crest of the grassy hill. As John stared, Ryan kept reading. Karen noticed John and looked herself. Rob was tempted to look up but didn’t want to be rude as he assumed it was a car. Mary didn’t notice as she was the only one completely tuned in to Ryan’s sharing.
Then John interrupted, “Hey, hey, I’m really sorry but there are bears coming this way.”
Walking out of the woods toward the lodge was a mama bear and her cub. Mary turned. Rob didn’t know what to do but sit still and wait. The bears kept coming.
With a bit of caution and wonder, Rob whispered, “In five years of retreats here, we’ve never seen a bear, let alone bears coming to the lodge. We can watch but be prepared to go inside if we need to. I need to tell the other group.” Rob slowly and quietly walked the length of the deck to the other group. When Brock looked up to see Rob coming toward them, he saw the bears in the distance. “Oh, wow. Bears.”
The group stood up to look around the corner before Rob even got there. Rob whispered, “Hey, you guys, check this out but be prepared to go inside.”
Francie said in a hushed tone, “We’ve never had this happen. Oh, wow.”
Greg began to get a sick feeling in his stomach.
Just then, about forty yards from the deck, the mama bear stopped and began to eat something. Greg muttered, “Oh no. It’s the hot dogs.” Francie looked at him then back at the bears. “I burned up a few last night and threw them in the field. That’s where I threw them.” Sure enough, the bear was eating the black hot dogs while the cub stayed close.
In silence, everyone watched the majestic sight of these two creatures. When she was done eating, the mama bear looked up toward everyone, nudged her cub toward the woods, and off they went as quietly as they came. Everyone stayed so quiet they could hear the bears feet breaking sticks and rustling leaves up the side of the mountain. And then, they were gone.
Everyone returned to their seats with a breath of fresh air like after a school field trip. “That was something special, for sure,” Karen said.
John smiled, “Yes, you don’t see that every day. Well Ryan, frankly, I did not hear anything you shared. I think we should start from the beginning.”
Everyone agreed, and Ryan said, “Sounds good to me. All right, let’s try it again. Starting off with themes to my story: Dad, dreams, playing, shame, being a winner. Then, what was lost? For that…”
Rob interrupted, “Hold on. Anyone else on the themes in Ryan’s story?”
John spoke up, “There was one thing that struck me from your story, and that was the word ‘normal.’ I think it ended with ‘pretending that everything was normal.’ I’m not sure what to make of that?”
Ryan explained, “Well, the truth is that’s who I am. Always pretending that everything is fine. It drives Christine nuts. I’ve always just wanted to be normal. I’ve spent so much of my life pretending, and I don’t even know why. Hiding, I suppose.”
Rob questioned, “So let’s spend a few minutes on what John has brought up. This is pretty important. So, what is ‘normal’ to you and how would you describe someone who is?”
Ryan got a puzzled look on his face, sat back, crossed his arms, and rubbed his chin. “Well, I don’t know. When I got here Friday night, you all seemed normal. Honestly, I felt like I didn’t fit in and even thought about leaving. And now after getting to know everyone here, I don’t want to leave. It’s obvious that everyone has their own story, and the more I think about it, I suppose there’s no such thing as normal.”
Still searching for clarity, Ryan sat there puzzled about all this. Then Rob weighed in. “Ok. You’re getting somewhere, but let’s now step into this shame theme. So as you think about your story, where specifically did shame come?”
Ryan recounted the story in his mind. “When my car stopped on the track in front of everyone.”
Rob affirmed, “Yep. Now let’s think about this. What would have happened if only you, your brother, mom, and grandma were there?”
“Well, I suppose we would have just picked it up and talked about how to make it better.”
“Like you would do with Legos and other things. Right?” Rob questioned.
“Yeah.”
“So it was the fact that all these people were watching that made you quit because you did decide to quit after that.”
“I guess.”
Rob went on, “A couple other things to think about. How many cars raced that day?”
Ryan answered, “Over fifty.”
Again, Rob asked, “So how many trophies were there?”
“Just five,” Ryan answered.
“So then, the vast majority of boys there were also losers?”
“Yeah, I suppose so. I hadn’t really thought about it like that,” Ryan responded.
“Ryan, here’s the even bigger thing about this place you’re at in this story. The car stopping was where shame came in, but when it came up that you didn’t have a dad, that’s when you wanted to get out of there.”
Silence came, and then Ryan spoke. “It’s true. It was like, all of a sudden, everyone knew my dad left us. I just wanted to run away.” A tear began to come.
Rob continued, “So this is where we are with this. You said yesterday, ‘Nothing was ever the same after this.’ Well, the result in this story is that you quit something you loved. I don’t know, but I would guess that maybe you’ve quit or ran away from a lot of things like this. Good things that you really love.”
Ryan sat silent with his head down staring at the floor. Finally, he looked up and began to speak. “I never said it to anyone, not my mom, grandma, or even my brother Brian, but the truth is from that day on I never wanted to be in a situation where you needed a dad to fit in. So I chose other things. Like the whole, ‘soccer mom’ thing. It’s not so obvious to not have a dad with soccer or track. But I decided I would never play football or basketball or be in the band. Every time our school would have senior night at an event, kids would go out on the field or court with their mom and dad. I swore I would never be one of those guys out there with no dad in front of the whole world.”
No one made a sound while Ryan took his last drink of water and crushed his empty bottle. In the silence of the group, the crushing of the bottle sounded more like a car crash.
After a few silent moments and Ryan with his arms crossed sitting far back in his rocker, Rob spoke. “It’s an honor that you have shared this with us, and sorry seems like such an empty word, but honestly, Ryan, that’s all I can say. I am so sorry.”
With a blank stare to the field and rocking, Ryan responded, “It’s ok.”
Looking straight into Ryan’s eyes, Rob said, “Ryan, this is really important. With all this and going back to the Pinewood Derby, what got stolen were your dreams of being in the winner’s circle. But here is the catch. In order to be in the winner’s circle, you have to enter the race.”
He responded, “I suppose you’re right.”
John spoke up, “And it’s not big deal decisions. It’s everyday decisions. But look at this. Even at your age, you made a decision to come here this weekend, and this is big, really big, and look at you now as you are rolling into the winner’s circle right here, right now.” Every face lit up and voiced or nodded in agreement waiting for Ryan’s response.
Ryan sat back with eyes sparkling and slowly smiled, “Yeah. Yeah. It feels pretty good. Really good.”
They all took a deep breath and sat back.
Ryan looked at everyone and said, “Thanks, guys. Thanks, ladies.” After Ryan looked at each person with his charming smile, they all sat far back, rocked, and gazed at the sun-filled grassy field.
A warm breeze came, and Karen said in awe, “I can’t believe it. I’ve never seen bears like that.”
“Ryan, you ready?” Rob chimed in.
Ryan responded, “Let’s do it.”
Again, Ryan leaned forward in his seat and pulled out his folded-up booklet from his back pocket and put his elbows on his knees.
Just as Ryan began to speak, John was distracted with something over the crest of the grassy hill. As John stared, Ryan kept reading. Karen noticed John and looked herself. Rob was tempted to look up but didn’t want to be rude as he assumed it was a car. Mary didn’t notice as she was the only one completely tuned in to Ryan’s sharing.
Then John interrupted, “Hey, hey, I’m really sorry but there are bears coming this way.”
Walking out of the woods toward the lodge was a mama bear and her cub. Mary turned. Rob didn’t know what to do but sit still and wait. The bears kept coming.
With a bit of caution and wonder, Rob whispered, “In five years of retreats here, we’ve never seen a bear, let alone bears coming to the lodge. We can watch but be prepared to go inside if we need to. I need to tell the other group.” Rob slowly and quietly walked the length of the deck to the other group. When Brock looked up to see Rob coming toward them, he saw the bears in the distance. “Oh, wow. Bears.”
The group stood up to look around the corner before Rob even got there. Rob whispered, “Hey, you guys, check this out but be prepared to go inside.”
Francie said in a hushed tone, “We’ve never had this happen. Oh, wow.”
Greg began to get a sick feeling in his stomach.
Just then, about forty yards from the deck, the mama bear stopped and began to eat something. Greg muttered, “Oh no. It’s the hot dogs.” Francie looked at him then back at the bears. “I burned up a few last night and threw them in the field. That’s where I threw them.” Sure enough, the bear was eating the black hot dogs while the cub stayed close.
In silence, everyone watched the majestic sight of these two creatures. When she was done eating, the mama bear looked up toward everyone, nudged her cub toward the woods, and off they went as quietly as they came. Everyone stayed so quiet they could hear the bears feet breaking sticks and rustling leaves up the side of the mountain. And then, they were gone.
Everyone returned to their seats with a breath of fresh air like after a school field trip. “That was something special, for sure,” Karen said.
John smiled, “Yes, you don’t see that every day. Well Ryan, frankly, I did not hear anything you shared. I think we should start from the beginning.”
Everyone agreed, and Ryan said, “Sounds good to me. All right, let’s try it again. Starting off with themes to my story: Dad, dreams, playing, shame, being a winner. Then, what was lost? For that…”
Rob interrupted, “Hold on. Anyone else on the themes in Ryan’s story?”
John spoke up, “There was one thing that struck me from your story, and that was the word ‘normal.’ I think it ended with ‘pretending that everything was normal.’ I’m not sure what to make of that?”
Ryan explained, “Well, the truth is that’s who I am. Always pretending that everything is fine. It drives Christine nuts. I’ve always just wanted to be normal. I’ve spent so much of my life pretending, and I don’t even know why. Hiding, I suppose.”
Rob questioned, “So let’s spend a few minutes on what John has brought up. This is pretty important. So, what is ‘normal’ to you and how would you describe someone who is?”
Ryan got a puzzled look on his face, sat back, crossed his arms, and rubbed his chin. “Well, I don’t know. When I got here Friday night, you all seemed normal. Honestly, I felt like I didn’t fit in and even thought about leaving. And now after getting to know everyone here, I don’t want to leave. It’s obvious that everyone has their own story, and the more I think about it, I suppose there’s no such thing as normal.”
Still searching for clarity, Ryan sat there puzzled about all this. Then Rob weighed in. “Ok. You’re getting somewhere, but let’s now step into this shame theme. So as you think about your story, where specifically did shame come?”
Ryan recounted the story in his mind. “When my car stopped on the track in front of everyone.”
Rob affirmed, “Yep. Now let’s think about this. What would have happened if only you, your brother, mom, and grandma were there?”
“Well, I suppose we would have just picked it up and talked about how to make it better.”
“Like you would do with Legos and other things. Right?” Rob questioned.
“Yeah.”
“So it was the fact that all these people were watching that made you quit because you did decide to quit after that.”
“I guess.”
Rob went on, “A couple other things to think about. How many cars raced that day?”
Ryan answered, “Over fifty.”
Again, Rob asked, “So how many trophies were there?”
“Just five,” Ryan answered.
“So then, the vast majority of boys there were also losers?”
“Yeah, I suppose so. I hadn’t really thought about it like that,” Ryan responded.
“Ryan, here’s the even bigger thing about this place you’re at in this story. The car stopping was where shame came in, but when it came up that you didn’t have a dad, that’s when you wanted to get out of there.”
Silence came, and then Ryan spoke. “It’s true. It was like, all of a sudden, everyone knew my dad left us. I just wanted to run away.” A tear began to come.
Rob continued, “So this is where we are with this. You said yesterday, ‘Nothing was ever the same after this.’ Well, the result in this story is that you quit something you loved. I don’t know, but I would guess that maybe you’ve quit or ran away from a lot of things like this. Good things that you really love.”
Ryan sat silent with his head down staring at the floor. Finally, he looked up and began to speak. “I never said it to anyone, not my mom, grandma, or even my brother Brian, but the truth is from that day on I never wanted to be in a situation where you needed a dad to fit in. So I chose other things. Like the whole, ‘soccer mom’ thing. It’s not so obvious to not have a dad with soccer or track. But I decided I would never play football or basketball or be in the band. Every time our school would have senior night at an event, kids would go out on the field or court with their mom and dad. I swore I would never be one of those guys out there with no dad in front of the whole world.”
No one made a sound while Ryan took his last drink of water and crushed his empty bottle. In the silence of the group, the crushing of the bottle sounded more like a car crash.
After a few silent moments and Ryan with his arms crossed sitting far back in his rocker, Rob spoke. “It’s an honor that you have shared this with us, and sorry seems like such an empty word, but honestly, Ryan, that’s all I can say. I am so sorry.”
With a blank stare to the field and rocking, Ryan responded, “It’s ok.”
Looking straight into Ryan’s eyes, Rob said, “Ryan, this is really important. With all this and going back to the Pinewood Derby, what got stolen were your dreams of being in the winner’s circle. But here is the catch. In order to be in the winner’s circle, you have to enter the race.”
He responded, “I suppose you’re right.”
John spoke up, “And it’s not big deal decisions. It’s everyday decisions. But look at this. Even at your age, you made a decision to come here this weekend, and this is big, really big, and look at you now as you are rolling into the winner’s circle right here, right now.” Every face lit up and voiced or nodded in agreement waiting for Ryan’s response.
Ryan sat back with eyes sparkling and slowly smiled, “Yeah. Yeah. It feels pretty good. Really good.”
They all took a deep breath and sat back.
Ryan looked at everyone and said, “Thanks, guys. Thanks, ladies.” After Ryan looked at each person with his charming smile, they all sat far back, rocked, and gazed at the sun-filled grassy field.
A warm breeze came, and Karen said in awe, “I can’t believe it. I’ve never seen bears like that.”
